I am afraid.
I am afraid for you to read this.
I am afraid to let people help me. I am afraid to accept things from people.
I am fearful of this because a part of me feels like I will become a leech. Latching on to this person and that person for what they can give me. I am afraid that I will become dependent on them. I will depend on them to continue to provide a service for me. If they are to no longer provide that service, I fear resentment. I fear feeling entitled.
What does this say of me?
I am scared.
Why do I find myself indirectly expecting someone to provide for me? Who am I to rely on someone else? Who am I to think this way about those who love me? Who I am to think it impossible to have a healthy relationship with receiving? Who am I to doubt the ability to give without strings attached or an ulterior motive?
Who am I to doubt the kindness of people's hearts? Who am I to view people as a resource and not as humans? Who am I to be so pessimistic? What is in my heart? Is this who I am?
Who am I?
I am fearful.
I am afraid to let a good thing be good because I see that I am worthy of nothing. I am worthy of no good things, yet the Lord looks at me and calls me forgiven. He looks at me and calls me free. He looks at me and calls me mercy. He looks at me and calls me beloved. He looks at me and calls me grace. He looks at me and calls me trusted. He looks at me and calls me loved.
Who am I?
I am loved.
I know there is a wrestle in me that wants me to take the risks to come to know that truth but the other side of that wrestle tells me to back away for good things are hard to keep. They do not stick next to me for too long. I feel like I make good things bad. I make good things run and hide. I make them find their home somewhere else.
The underlying lie...I am not good. How can I be?
Here is how: Psalm 139 NRSV
11 If I say, “Surely the darkness shall cover me,
and the light around me become night,”
12 even the darkness is not dark to you;
the night is as bright as the day,
for darkness is as light to you.
13 For it was you who formed my inward parts;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
14 I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.
Wonderful are your works;
that I know very well.
15 My frame was not hidden from you,
when I was being made in secret,
intricately woven in the depths of the earth.
16 Your eyes beheld my unformed substance.
In your book were written
all the days that were formed for me,
when none of them as yet existed.
I will leave us with a prayer,
Father this is my prayer, that Psalm 139 would become real in my heart and ever present in my mind. I pray you would remind me that you have formed me and knew me and just as you looked at your creation in Genesis and called all your hands touched good, you look at me and call me good. I pray you would unmask and uncover the lies and help me to replace them with your truth. Thank you Lord.
I pray all of these things in Jesus' name, Amen