holding on

this rope is breaking

i can feel it

    still i hold on

to a rope weathered

by worry and doubt by fear and uncertainty

for they are the only things that frequent me

in their consistency i have found myself hanging

    swinging to and fro

    hoping to stick a landing

    on a twelve step plan to getting

    out of here and going where I dream

to stability

to certainty

to security

to wholeness

to freedom

to peace

    still i hold on

    because the fear

    of where i might land

    is my strength in this moment

    it is keeping me from letting go

    and opening my eyes to acceptance

how can i

accept something else

something i had not planned for

something i tried to avoid rigorously

something i said i would not allow

something i knew i could prevent

    i

i am holding on

i cannot accept defeat

   but is this defeat

    is this the end

   is this the worst of the worst

   is this the very thing i tried to avoid

   or is this opportunity

   or is this a new chance

  or is this a path not commonly traveled

  or is this

  exactly what i asked for

  wrapped in a package of reality

  and not in a package of

  "i can do it all"

                                                      should i be holding on?