Pain: highly unpleasant physical sensation caused by illness or injury
Hurt: cause pain or injury to
The most pain I have ever felt hurt for quite some time. My body literally reacted to the feeling and to the reality of what happened. I would stand in the mirror and see a different person but managed to go out in public and look like my normal self. Eventually I began to get really good at masking what I was feeling and going about my days as though everything was alright. I was able to make others believe I was okay and eventually I feel for my own trap.
I stopped giving myself the proper time and space to feel the pain I knew was there. I even stopped giving myself that space when I was alone, with no one else around. I realized I did not want to feel the pain because it meant the lies I had began to believe were just that, lies and I would be responsible for correcting the lies with truth and the truth was, I was not ready for that. In some ways, I am still unfolding the truth about my pain to this very day.
I was speaking with boyfriend one day and he told me he had been praying for me and he told me what he felt the Lord brought to his heart, he was essentially asking me if I lie to myself about the pain I feel. In the moment I did not know how to answer that, mostly because it came from the Lord and mentioned to me by someone else. I was taken aback honestly. While I was taking time to think about it, I came to the conclusion that it was more of a statement than it was a question. A statement I was not ready to look at and face head on.
Since then, I have been brought back to this topic of pain. I know there are many stories in the bible that highlight pain, the Gospel itself is a story of Jesus who's live was riddled with pain. Jesus literally saw his friend Lazarus die and he had all of the power to stop him from dying instead he had to see him die and see Lazarus' family mourn his death while knowing he would raise him back to life in four days (John 11). Not to mention his journey to the cross (Matthew 27), Jesus was literally whipped over and over with nails and glass, that is a pain so strong it passes hurt and places the body into shock. Pain is something we will all face and no pain is worth placing to the side and "dealing with later".
I have seen the repercussions of holding in pain and not addressing it and I still see those repercussions to this very day. Luckily I have an awesome group of friends and family that support me in my times of need. I also reach out to and see counselors, at one point I was against it but since I have gone I noticed a huge difference and that is well worth it. Knowing also that I have a loving God and Father helps me as well. Time and time again we see how God comes to those who are in need, those who are in pain and those who are hurt.
Above I defined pain and hurt, I felt like the distinction between the two are important. Sometimes we can feel one without the other or one more than the other, in this case I wanted to share about my pain. In my opinion pain runs a little deeper than hurt. My pain rain so much deeper than my hurt and as a result, I began to live differently. I will leave two scriptures that have helped me as I find myself dealing with pain of the past and pain of the present, James 4:8, 1 Peter 5:7 and Matthew 11:28. These scriptures along with some others have kept me in a place of surrender to the Lord. I have been reminded time and again that God cares about me and the things I feel and go through, so I should not keep them away from Him when I feel I cannot go to others and when I feel I cannot deal with them properly myself. My hope is that I would continue to grow in dealing with and with feeling pain. Pain in the past and pain in the present.
I will leave us with a prayer,
Father I thank You for being a Father who cares for me. A Father who cares enough to draw near to me in my time of need, a Father who meets me in my pain and reminds me that I am not alone. I ask that You would continue to grow my trust in You. I ask that I would grow to find safety in my quiet place with You. I ask that I would also allow myself to weep and mourn as long as I need to and to not feel weak in the process. Would You help me correct any lies I still hold to and live by when it comes to dealing with my pain, would I show it and allow others to comfort me in it as well? Mostly, God would you give me peace in the middle of it all?
I pray and ask all of these things in Jesus' name,