I have been learning to trust the Lord again. Or better yet, I have been learning how to give the Lord my fullest trust again.
I previously mentioned I lost my mother and youngest brother, they have been gone for nine years. I have been through many counseling sessions and I have spoken to many friends about my pain and grief and my waves of unbelief. I have cried many tears after holding them back for so long. After many random breakdowns over the course of nine years, I felt like I did the work to fully heal and begin to trust the Lord again after feeling like He abandoned me. Recently I have realized there is still room to grow and room to heal.
I feel the Lord wants me to learn to trust Him again without hesitation. My innate response to trusting Him is in direct correlation with what the world has shown me, that the Lord allows bad things to happen to good people, therefore I should not put my trust in Him. Or that the good things and good people in life come and go and there is no need for me to hold onto them because one of these days they will leave or be taken away from me altogether.
It is clear that I have lost trust along the way but acknowledging that fact and accepting it will help me begin to address and move forward in trusting the trustworthy one again, wholeheartedly and with all that is within me. I am looking forward to knowing the Lord as the trustworthy, good, just, right and faithful God that He is.
To those who may find themselves in a place where trusting the Lord is hard, or it seems pointless to trust Him, I encourage you to give Him another chance. I would say in order to find trust again, you must be willing to be open with man and God. You must be willing to be okay with not having the answers to all of your questions and you must be willing to accept what He has for you, for all your toil and labor has not been in vain.
I will leave us with a prayer,
Lord I thank you for your goodness and for your love. My prayer today is short, and it is that I would allow myself to fully go through the healing process that my trust in you would no longer be conditional. I ask that the wounds I have acquired would begin to heal and that the scars would remain scars, reminding me of where I was and showing me I have survived. I ask that you would forgive me for believing the lies that your goodness is conditional and is contingent on what I can do for you and on what you are feeling in the moment. You are not a God who acts on emotions and chooses to bring evil to those who are in your courts. In fact, you allow tragedy to come into our lives so we can learn to trust you and so we can grow our faith in you, would that be the lesson I am always learning and remembering when the going gets tough.
I pray and ask all of these things in Jesus' name,