in the deep i scream

i gasp for a hand to hold

for a breath of air once more

in my selfishness i scream

not for company but for separation

i scream for distance and beg for isolation

I do not open up to people easily or often, I think many can agree, but what I have grown to realize is not only is it hard for me to open up to others it is also hard for me to open up to God. In turn, it is hard for me to be/feel comforted. Comfort requires being exposed.

How can I be more open and exposed? I have to be willing to talk. To open my mouth and say what I am thinking and feeling. When asked how I am doing, I must be willing to answer honestly and say when I am not okay. I must also do this with the Lord in prayer.

While this is a place to be free it is not always freeing for me. I still feel like I have to cleanse myself before the Lord. I have to present my best self to Him and that means I am not free in prayer.

When I am able to trust the Lord with my emotions and thoughts, that is when I deepen my trust, intimacy and allow comfort into my relationship with Him and ultimately with others.

I want to be able to receive comfort, not just from people but also from my heavenly Father. Thankfully the Lord has gifted me with the Holy Spirit and I can call on Him to be my comforter – "Nevertheless I tell you the truth: it is to your advantage that I go away, for if I do not go away, the Advocate will not come to you; but if I go, I will send him to you." - John 16:7

I will leave us with a prayer,

Lord I want to thank you for sending your Spirit to be an advocate. I want to thank you for welcoming me into your arms. I want to ask that you would help me negate the lies that I have to clean myself before coming to you and that I must be out together before laying at your feet. I pray you would help me understand what it means to be unconditionally loved by you. I pray that the idea of being vulnerable in prayer would become more appealing to me. Would you continue to meet me in prayer and help me to break down my walls that I may lay bare before you?

I pray and ask all of these things in Jesus' name. Amen