I am STILL afraid of close relationships.
Define "close" for us please. Sure.
When I say "close", I mean physical closeness, mental closeness and emotional closeness. I fear these things for reasons I am sure come from relationships I have seen in my life. The relationships my sisters have had. Relationships my relatives have had and relationships my friends have had and have shared with me. This fear is not limited to romantic relationships, no no, it knows no preference, it is all inclusive!
The other day I was sitting with my boyfriend and I was thinking about some things; one of the things that came to mind was this fear, the fear of being close (ironically I was physically close to him, I was sitting right next to him). I shared it with him and he agreed. Here I am now, writing. Making an attempt to be close, to form a close relationship with you all reading this.
I do not have an issue with letting people in, the issue is with continuing to let them in and to let them in all the time. I think the failure in relationships that have been witnessed from the outskirts has made me believe that giving your all has more risk than reward. Since that has been my outward experience, inwardly I allow an extent of me to be known and shared. That is not biblical in anyway, and to think that relationships are more risky than rewarding is a lie.
A scripture that has pierced my heart time and again has been 1 John 4:18 (it is featured on my first post about fear, and that is not just for show). This scripture has been coming up for me AGAIN! Rightfully so, I would say.
The answer to me abandoning my fear of being in close relationships is not just to stop allowing what I have known from outward experiences dictate what my experience will be, it is not only to address the lies and negate them with truth, it is not only to speak life for the relationships I have now; I must also allow the love of the Father to perfect me.
I have been asking the Lord to perfect me in His love. I have been asking the Lord to fill me with His love. I have been asking the Lord to make the fullness of His love rest on me. I have been asking the Lord to help me understand just how much He loves me.
Today I am thanking Him for His word that reminds me that He is the answer to all of my questions. He is the solution to all of my problems. He is everything, and I want Him to be everything.
1John 4, talks about the testing of spirits and is a call to be mindful of what people say. It is also a testament about the love of God for His children. I encourage you to read 1 John 4:18 first, to read the entire chapter then to read verses 16-19 and end again on verse 18. See what the Lord will bring to your heart and mind and reflect on that.
I will leave us with a prayer,
Abba, Father, thank you for your kindness. My prayer is simple; would you perfect me in your love that all of my fears would fall at your feet and that I may be sure in what you have said is for me?
I pray all of these things in Jesus' name, Amen