I have been going through a lot of changes as I have been a mother now for 4 months! I am not sure what I thought motherhood would be like, but I can say it is nothing like that! I knew it would require me to grow and to be stretched in many ways but if you asked me for specifics I could not give them to you. Be it this is my first child I guess that is to be expected. Be it also that my pregnancy was unplanned, I can say there was no real "preparation" time.

My delivery did not go as expected. I was blessed to not have any problems during my pregnancy so I was thinking I would have a typical vaginal birth. I had asked my OB/GYN at one appointment what would lead me to have a cesarean section (c-section) and she named two possible reasons I could end up having one but they did not apply because I had been having a complication free pregnancy, so an in-depth search for what a c-section birth would be like did not happen. The day of my delivery my son (already one day past his due date) decided he was still happy right where he was. My labor was long and I made it to the 9th centimeter before asking for pain medications. He was not moving but my contractions were signaling go time and my body was getting ready to birth him.

When baby and body are not in alignment, one of them has to give. The doctor told me his head was not in the right position to enter the birth canal, so the nurses and midwife gave me some positions to go into and some exercises to do to try to help him get in the correct position. After some time doing those things they checked and he had only moved a smidge. It was time for me and my husband to make a decision. Did I want to continue to wait and hope he lowered his head or did I want to deliver him in a way I had only read little about and was not prepared for? I knew after I asked the doctor a few questions what I would choose, but he left so me and my husband could talk. We were on the same page, after being in labor (at the point) for roughly 20 hours, we decided we wanted to meet our son and I wanted to be one step closer to going home. I wasn't going to leave without him in my hands so that only meant one thing, I would have a c-section.

I let the doctor know. In came the surgeon. In came the anesthesiologist. In came the next shift of nurses. I was given the run down and asked a few questions. I was given medicine. I was taken to the operating room. I was lifted onto a table and given more medicine, this time in my back. I was laid down. I was numb.

They were communicating with me the whole time. My husband was all suited up and seated next to me as they operated. I felt nothing but I also felt pressure in my abdominal section. I felt I would stop breathing, but the nurse assured me that was normal and that I was okay.

Then we heard the surgeon say, "I am glad you decided to have surgery, the cord was wrapped around his neck". I looked at my husband. I did not feel anything but I also felt like I wanted to cry – I was worried. In that moment it seemed like time had stopped. I hoped I would hear my son cry. I hoped I would not have to say I had a stillborn child. I only hoped in hope. We could not see our son. All we saw was the blue sheet that covered me from my neck down.

Then we heard it. The silence that seemed to have filled the room was broken by a quick sound of life. A cry. Short and reassuring. As if he was saying to us, "mama, papa, I am here. I am okay". I took a breath I thought I lost shortly after being laid down on the operating table. Our son. Had made it. He was alive and he was here.

There have been many times in my life where I found myself unsure of what would happen. There has only been one time in my life where that uncertainty felt unbearable and that was 1, June 2022 at approximately 8:28pm.

All I had were the prayers I had been praying for the past 9 months. All I had were the prayers my husband had been praying for the past 9 months. All we had were the prayers from family and friends for the past 9 months. I put my hope in hope. Hope in the One who allowed me to get pregnant. Hope in the One who allowed me to have no complications or problems for 9 months. Hope in the One who said He knows the end from the beginning (Isaiah 46:9-11). My hope was placed in the hope of Christ.

Where it seemed life could go a million different ways and 999,999 of those ways seem to be negative, I only needed to hope in the 1. The same One who would leave the 99 for me, if I should lose my way.

I want to encourage you to hope in hope. To place all of the hope you can muster for your situation or circumstance in the One who knows all.

I will leave us with a prayer,

Father I thank you, I thank  you  for your faithfulness. I thank you for your consistency. I thank you for your love, love unconditional. I thank you for life. I thank you that you have come that I may have life and life more abundantly. I thank you that all I need is found in you, I need only to ask. I thank you that scripture tells me that if I ask, I shall receive; that if I knock the door will be opened and if I seek I will find. Lord I ask that your peace would fall over me. I ask that your love would blanket me. I ask that your blood would cover me and all those connected to me. I thank you for being the Lord of all. King of Kings and Lord of lords. I thank you that I can place my hope in you. I ask that you would be my hope. That you would be my hope when it seems there is no hope to be found. I ask that you would help me to pray without ceasing and to seek first your kingdom and your righteousness, trusting that everything else will be added unto me. I thank you that in the tough situations you are consistent. You are present and are fully aware and capable to do what you said you would. I pray I would never forget that you are good and I need you in all ways at all times, amen.