stuck

repression has become my most common expression, everything coming in yet nothing coming out, how pressurized my emotions and thoughts must be. trying to manage it all by not managing anything is an unrealistic way for me to approach the responsibilities I have in life. I am not sure where i learned that this would be okay, but i have clung to it as if it were the only thing i could hang on to.

not sure if any of that made sense, but it is what came to mind as i sit here on this couch trying to be present. i often distract myself by being in a place physically but mentally checked out. sometimes i watch television shows, other times i browse social media accounts or read (yes, reading can be a distraction). but as a mother of two almost three i can no longer afford to be distracted even though distraction seems to be the only "me" time i get.

i don't trust many people to watch my children. somewhere between babysitting children and having my own, i have developed this fear that someone may try to take advantage of them or hurt them, and it would be best for them to stay in my care. no matter how much i may need a break, no matter how exhausted I may be, my husband and i are the best care takers for them. while we may know what is best, i have to believe the Lord has placed trustworthy people in our lives. this is just one thing on the long list of things i have kept repressed. why? because i don't like to disappoint others. i don't like to stir the pot. even if that means not telling the truth (i have recently come to learn this about myself). the people in my life deserve to know the truth. i should love them enough to be honest, even if it may make them feel anything other than "okay" with me.

as a believer, i owe the truth to those around me and to myself because i have received truth, in Christ Jesus.

i am stuck. stuck between mourning the life i once lived before having children (especially when i am reminded by family of how i previously felt about marriage and children). stuck between being a good wife and a wife according to what is found in scripture. stuck between finding out what i am now interested in and trying to love again what i once thought was my "thing". stuck between being a present, active and involved mother and taking time for myself because that is what helps me be all those other things. stuck between knowing and believing who i am in Christ and not allowing the roles as "mother" and "wife" be the only identities i acknowledge about myself. i am stuck in a number of ways. i have been stuck for quite a while.

maybe i can write it all out like i used to and become a little less stuck. maybe. one day. looking for the light at the end of the tunnel but getting frightened by how far i still have to walk to get to the end is where i find myself. one day i will realize i am the light and the tunnel is actually just a path from the bed to the door of a bedroom. very much within my reach and not at all daunting.

but until then. i acknowledge i am stuck and have been for a while.