sitting still and just being have never been easy,
responsibilities heaped on top of responsibility,
no end to the demand i have been expected to keep up with.
there is a chair, but i only sit to hear the next assignment,
there is a couch, but i only sit to brace myself for the next load,
there is a bed, but i only lie down to elongate my mental capacity to think.
think, sometimes i think too much, other times not enough.
how is it i can think too much yet not enough?
have i done enough? is more being asked of me? how is silence so loud?
how might i continue without breaking?
you may bend but you won't break. you are strong. i trust you. you are dependable. the only one for the job. you know how to get things done.
i want to be done. no longer do i want to wait for the next thing.
i want to be done. no longer do i want to think myself to sleep.
i want to be done. no longer do i want to ponder what it means to be still.
done. i want to want to be done. each time i feel the desire to move, i want to remain seated, to find myself in a restful place. physically. mentally.
i need a transition. from where i am now,
full of fear, longing for freedom; feigning for the next demand, yet dreading it.
hesitant to say no when no is the only right answer.
to a place where sitting and being are things i know. to a place where
i can be.