I have some things I want to say, I hope You will hear me out.
I will start with saying I am thankful for Your involvement in my life.
for the times my heart was hard toward You,
when I did all but what You instructed,
the days that ran together because I was sad,
for the times I heard You but insisted You did not speak to me,
for believing the lies whispered to me in my dark hours,
"He cannot hear you. Your prayers do not matter. Maybe if you stop crying He will listen. No one likes a cry baby, suck it up. You got this on your own, you don't need any help."
Dad, these were the times I needed You the most. But in my lack of understanding I acted as though You did not exist. As if You were simply a thing with a title, but there was nothing else. I convinced myself, You only watched as I suffered. That You watched, like a helicopter covers the sky in search of the criminal. You watched. Followed me through streets and dark allies. I was convinced that was all You do...did.
While assuming the position of "protector" and "provider", I left no space for You to come in and play the part. I did what I had to do because You wouldn't. I cried many tears, when things seemed to hurt more than words could describe.
Dad, You have been in and out. I have convinced myself You are the author of inconsistency. That there is never a time when I can actually count on You. That is unfair and untrue. You have been consistent in MY inconsistency. You have been the common denominator while I have changed, numerator.
You are the reciprocal of me, together we cancel everything out. It is You and only You. You tear me down, until I am simplified. I need You; to grow, to multiply and to simplify me when I act bigger than my place. You are the decimal, keeping me behind Your point. Reminding me You are Alpha and I come only after You. Omega, no one after You will satisfy my soul.
Dad, I appreciate You. I long for Your approval. For Your admiration, tell me You are pleased with me. I want to be daddy's little girl but I am not little anymore. Remind me that You are bigger than my issues. Dad, wrap me in Your arms and hold me tight. Never let me go, I have been away from You and barely survived. Let Your spirit convict me when I try to run. Paralyze me in my tracks. Cause my feet to grow heavy and my limbs to go weak. That I may only turn around to run to You.
Dad, I love You.