Out of uncertainty you have come alive.

Out of unbelief you have taken flight,

mounted the skies above you,

shaken the clouds with your mighty breath

and twisted the sun until it looked like the moon,

in daytime, you lurk in the shadows

sitting on your high horse you look down at me,

when did you get so high, when did your stool

become a latter, lifting you to the heavens?

when did your actions look more like puppetry,

every movement stiffer than the last,

afraid to make a wrong gesture,

you latched yourself onto the master,

too afraid to look him in the face

too afraid to disobey, the lies you knew

were lies.

My mind has been a battlefield lately, going back and forth from truth to lies. I have been trying to persuade myself that my way of thinking needs to be based on more truth. The reality is I am afraid.

I am afraid of all things good, for I feel like I am capable of making a good thing rotten. Who am I to attribute that much power and influence upon myself? How prideful must I be to think that I can do that.

In some ways, yes I can manifest what I think and feel into my actions and they will produce a reaction, but when I really think about it, God, the Almighty, the powerful One, has all of the ability to correct, stop, prohibit or reverse anything I have the ability to do.

Who am I in the sight of the Lord? What is my strength next to His? What is my might in comparison to His? Who am I?

I am someone who has been stricken by fear. In some ways I have been paralyzed by it. The fear that cripples me and makes me run to comfort, is fear. That may sound silly or redundant but that is the truth. I am afraid. I am afraid my actions show that, my thought life shows that and my relationship with the Lord shows that.

I have written a previous post about God being good. In that post I specify my fear by saying that I do not question God's ability to do good acts/things, but it is His character that is in question. I also shared a moment I had with the Lord, how I was overcome with the truth of His goodness and how He himself is good and all things good, yet here I am again. This lie that has been provoked by fear is still here, unfortunately, yet I am hoping to face it differently this time.

I have a thing where if I see a problem I want it to be fixed immediately. I wanted my trust in the Lord and my belief of His innate goodness to be fixed immediately yet it was not, it is not. I am still trying to work past that fear and believe the truth.

Currently, I have been seeing just how much fear has been ingrained in my life. How my actions are very reflective of how I still do not fully trust the Lord will give me good things and will be good to me.

The encouragement I have received from those around me, is to remain in a thankful position. When I feel sad or begin to be overcome and overwhelmed with fear and lies, to tell the Lord thank you. If I only thank Him for one thing, that is better than not being thankful at all.

I feel like there is a longing in me, a desire that wants to reach the surface but it is stuck under so much fear and has been placed under so many lies, it is having a hard time surfacing.

I want change. I want to believe. I want to live in truth. I want to live in freedom. I want to be different. I want to be whole. I want to be changed. I want to be able to love without hesitation and to better receive love from those around me. I want these good things, I do.

But I feel like this process of purging and cleansing will take a long time. I feel like this process of purging and cleansing will take a long time.

If I can be honest and transparent, I have been struggling really hard for the past month. A lot of what I have been going through has fallen over into my relationship. In many ways I am not great with sharing and understanding my emotions. I am not great with seeing the brighter side of things. I can be selfish. I am not great with healthy conflict. I am not great at receiving criticism or critique. I am not great at allowing people the opportunity to be close to me when I am wrestling with something. I fight a lot (not physically). both myself and those close to me. I have had to look at these truths and it has not been easy.

Even more, it is not easy for me to write this out and to share.

If I want to change and be free, I must look these things in the eye, acknowledge them and go forward with looking at them and acknowledging them. I must also rid my desire for things to change immediately.

I have said all of this to say, I no longer want to stop me from loving those around me with my whole heart and I no longer want to cause pain in the lives of those close to me. I want the love of Christ to transform my heart and mind, that I may receive it just as I did the day I gave my life to the Lord and for everyday to feel like the first day.

I want to be made new in Christ.

The scripture that pierced my heart recently was this: "There  is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear; for fear has to do  with punishment, and whoever fears has not reached perfection in love." - 1 John 4:18

Father I thank you for your goodness. I thank you for breathing another breath of life in me today. I thank you for being my provider. I thank you for clothing me. I thank you for feeding me. I thank you for sheltering me. I thank you for loving me. I thank you for keeping me. I thank you for the friends you have blessed me with. I thank you for the family you have blessed me with. I thank you for your word. I thank you for your Holy Spirit that lives within me. I thank you for leaving me your peace. I thank you for sending your son Jesus to die on the cross for me. I thank you for joy. I thank you for your grace. I thank you for keeping my mind. I thank you for loving me. I pray that as you continue to purge me of all things that are not like you, I would grow in trusting you. I pray that I would grow in wisdom and understanding of your word and of your goodness. I pray that you would help me to break free from lies and false mindsets. I pray that you would help me see the beauty in the process of pruning. Would you help me be complete in you? Would you help me to lean not on my own understanding, but in all my ways to submit to you that you may make my paths straight, as your word says in Proverbs 3:5-6?

I pray and ask all of these things in your son Jesus' name, amen.