Lately I have been wanting to isolate myself from everyone and everything. There are several reasons and the biggest of them all has been because I did not want to acknowledge and address my emotions.
I feel like there are few people I trust and few people I allow myself to open up to. I have noticed I have always been the friend to talk to about what is going on in life. I have been the friend to call or text in the wee hours of the morning and late at night. When the phone calls ended and the texts stopped, I was left alone. After giving my wisdom for the moment and hugging a person until they felt better, I was left alone. As I look on my relationships today, I realize I still feel alone in some ways. When the going gets tough and my world starts falling down around me, I look to my left and I look to my right. I see people but it seems as though they do not see me, so I turn away and decide to be what I have seen in the past, alone.
I told myself and still tell myself, it is easier for me to open myself to be there for others but it is safer for me to limit my openness to others. That lie has obviously made it hard for me to establish deep trust in others and has also made it hard for me to be authentic with the relationships I have had with others.
It is hard for me to write this as I am in a place where there are lots of people around me who call me friend and I would say likewise, but in the middle of saying likewise, I am also not allowing myself to be free by keeping these feelings locked away as I have already done for so long. So here it is, in a room full of people I know and am familiar with, I still feel alone.
It is sad because there is one person I have grown to love and care deeply about, yet when it comes to sharing the things on my heart, I still find it difficult. I still wrestle with the idea that I am just an ear to hear and sometimes a word of wisdom, and that has made afraid to truly open myself up to this person. I have seen the negative effects of that in our relationship and I feel its time for a change...but its hard to get out of that mindset when being alone has proven to be more reliable than having an ear to hear and trusting it will not turn away.
Isolation has been calling my name these last two weeks and I have wrestled with going into that place or staying in the open without being open. Silent struggles have become a thing for me and when everything tells me to be louder it feels as though my voice cannot stand up to the task. What do I do?
I try to reach out to at least one person and tell them as much as I feel I can, with the hope they will care enough to stick around and listen. That is my encouragement to all who may find themselves wrestling with isolation, let your voice be heard by at least one person and hope they will care to see through your smile and stick around to ask more questions. It's worth it.
I will leave us with a prayer,
Father, I thank you for sending your spirit that comforts us. I thank you for your word that reminds me I am never alone, for you are always with me. Right now I ask that the spirit of loneliness and isolation would be wiped away from me. Would every relationship that left me lonely be forgiven deep in my heart and would the effects of them be healed and made whole in my heart. I ask for you to show me the trustworthy people in my life. Would you increase my care for others and decrease my idea to be all I need for myself? Would you help me overcome the hurt I have endured and would your spirit forever make it self known to me in my times of struggle? Would you comfort me Lord?
I pray and ask all of these things in Jesus' name,