I need healing.
I have had some experiences in life that have broken me. In small pieces or in big pieces, all in all I have been broken.
What I am coming to learn in my heart is that if something has the capability to be broken then it also has the capability to be fixed.
The most traumatic experience in my life was the summer my mother and my youngest brother died. Of the two deaths, my brother's was the hardest.
The other night I was talking to my boyfriend about one thing and our conversation ended up going to a place I did not expect. The topic started on insecurities I have and ended up with me sitting in tears because he asked me about my pain and ways I have been hurt. Not only did he ask me to think about the top three ways I have experienced hurt in my life, but he also went an extra step by asking me to examine how that hurt has manifested itself in other areas in my life. How could it be identified.
I told him the only thing I could think of in that moment was the death of my mother and brother. How the pain and the hurt from that was big for me. He asked, if I felt I was healed from it and my honest and truthful answer was...is, no. I have healed in some ways but altogether the hurt from that has found its way in my of my actions and in my mindset. In an effort to protect myself from hurting like that again, I have restricted myself from deep and intimate relationships.
I will be open about things, but to an extent. I will be vulnerable about things, but to an extent. I will involve myself, but only to an extent. I will trust, but only to an extent.
I found my self curled up in the fetal position that night, thinking about how I desperately want to change. I want a new mindset. I want a restored trust. I want an unwavering hope. I want a freedom I have not felt in such a long time. Then I realized I was asking to be healed.
In particular, I want to be healed from the blame and responsibility I have placed on myself when it comes to my brother on the day he died. I have asked for forgiveness but after talking with my boyfriend, I realized it is not forgiveness I need – for I did nothing wrong and it was not my fault – I need healing. I need to be made whole.
I think a part of my healing and becoming whole is first realizing that the blame is not on me, it was not my fault and the Lord does not hold me responsible. The simplest yet hardest thing for me to say to myself, is I am not at fault. I did nothing wrong. Lord, would you help this truth become real to me?
Father, you are great and mighty. You are strong and purposeful. You are good. I thank you for your kindness. I thank you for your grace. I thank you for you love that never leaves me. I thank you for the comfort you give. I thank you for the truth of who I am. I thank you for being sovereign. I thank you for being mindful of me. I thank you for your word. I thank you for your gift of the Holy Spirit. I thank you for your power. I thank you for your care for me. I thank you for your mercy. I ask that you would completely heal me. I ask that you would place your hand on my hurt places and bring me comfort and peace. I ask that you would calm my spirit and awaken your truth in me. I pray that you would remind me that you are good, no matter what and in all things. Would you come into my heart and make me whole? Would you restore and repair the trust that has been broken within me. Would you calm my fears and help me to rely on you again? I want to change and that can only happen by way of you, would you heal me Father? Would your love continue to find me and wrap itself around me as I am going through this process?
I pray and ask all of these things in your son Jesus' name,